Monday, May 26, 2008

Strictly boredom

And the fact that my baby is so hot, i couldn't help but play with him, since this is the only way I can.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Love Letter

To the Love of My Life,

It's never been so true. it's never been like this. And this is probably why I've been so scared. I've never been lucky in love, as I had been blinded too many times. This time, i see us clearly, and everything I want to feel is in my heart...but, it's the "far away" - the "absence" - the uncertainty of what comes next that makes me believe karma is out to get me.

I have never been so happy (and sad) in all my life - and even though i want to erase most of the last few months from memory (I can never listen to "All I Want For Christmas is You" again...believe me, I tried), I still feel as though I found that perfection that was made for me - like the fact that you're not perfect makes you perfect for me.

If I ever were to lose you for whatever reason, I would be losing a large piece of my heart, as well as existing with a broken spirit, never to be mended by anything or anyone again.

You're still just as beautiful to look at now as you were the first day I laid my eyes on your avatar - April 3rd, 2007 - and i'm so glad that I got to know the real see the real be with the real you...

I wish I could ask you to love me be in love with me never ever let me go no matter what - but i can't dictate your feelings in the future. All I know is that You will be the last love of my life, and i could never let you go - especially after all the wonderful things you have done for me.

Forgive me for my fears. I love you for life. always will.


Can't Stop the Music

It's not like i purposely remain in the sap stages, but it's not going away. It always goes away by now. It's still new, but now with a history. And i can't help that I think of him every night before i go to bed, and every morning when i wake up, and in-between. Then again, if he were there, I wouldn't have to think.

I'd still give him the sky, even after it's fallen on me.

I've never been in love with someone for this long...any other relationship, by now, I'd have faded from the in-love to just love. Maybe it's distance proving that my heart can sustain emotion.

I want the missing to end and I want our life to begin. Too much insecurity lurks in the miles that seperate us. Moments become memories as the fog clouds the future.

Still there, jumping over every hurdle in a never ending race - is my heart.

A Day in the Life of a Whim

"If you love something, set it free - If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it".


It was a spur of the moment decision. We were having problems that needed resolving, and we could only do it face to face, and I felt like I was losing the fight...

I woke up on a Saturday, sat around for a few hours, and decided out of nowhere to surprise him. I really needed to see him. So, I rented a car at about 3:00 p.m.

"Do you want insurance for just an extra $27?" asked the woman behind the counter.

"No, thanks." i didn't want to spend any more money than i had to...

I was going there to do something I never wanted to do, because I just don't feel final ultimatums are fair. But I didn't know what more I could do. Either he come home with me or he ends it, face to face.

I drove the four hour drive until i found his job. I pulled into the restaurants driveway and searched the parking lot for what may be a Chevy Impala. This was the same car I had rented, so i was looking for something in shape of my car, as i normally would have never known what a chevy Impala looked like. No car matched.

I tried calling him, and kept getting his voicemail. It was already dark, and i knew i never would find his house, but still decided, through determination, to find it by memory. I drove through the backwoods, looking for familiar areas. i made a turn onto a road, i thought might possibly be his, and turned into a river of mud....turning around was like riding on a bumper car...well, more like a bumper boat, with no control of the wheel, as the wheel was doing its own thing. It was almost like a ride at was kind of fun until i realised this wasn't Disney. Still, I got back on the road safely..

I found the small town of Red Level...a fmailiar place, as i had been there a few times with him. Got his voicemail again. I drove further into the woods, hoping once again to find the right road. I got to the last of my familiar memories, and pulled into the parking lot of a church. I was at a crossroad...and lost. Still, I did not want to give up. i ended up calling his mother, Daphne, hoping she would wake him up. She refused to, even after i explained to her my situation. She didn't know what to tell me. So I said goodbye, and decided to head back to the town of red Level and matter how long it took....for him to call me.

The roads were wet from the rain, and I was going a little fast down them, running into turns - seemed every which way. I was not an expert driver, as i had just gotten my license a few months before, so I didn't notice that i was going, something like 70 miles an hour down these windy roads. I don't know what happened. Whether I saw headlights, or realised i was going too fast, but next thing i know, I lose control of the wheel and spin out until i land in a bank. The second the car stopped, my phone rang. It was his mother. She offered for me to come to her house, until i told her what had just happened. I didn't realise the seriousness of the situation, until an eyewitness stopped and told me that I would need a wrecker to get the car out, as it could never be driven out. I didn't know what a wrecker was...I'm thinking tow truck...far from it.

the witness called her father, who was a cop. Daphne called me, and told me that Nick was on his way. When she asked where I was, i had no clue...all I knew was there was a tower i had passed, and a church on the corner. He was searching down the wrong roads when the cop showed up. It really wasn't hitting me, the extent of the situation, because i was going to get to see my baby, which at this point was the most important thing to me....even in all of the dysfunction and complications about to ensue...

He showed up, finally, as it began to rain, and we sat in the car. As the tears started to flow, 'cause it hurt to look at him, afraid that this would be the last time I see him. I was told to act normal, not to give the cops any suspicion as to why I was out there - as it would be thought of that i was on the search for drugs, being an out of towner, and this was proven when every cop involved asked me "What are you doing all the way up here from Hollywood, Fl?"

Daphne called and wanted him home. He told me to call him when the wrecker and state trooper got there...which seemed to be taking forever...and headed back to prevent his mother's threats from coming out here.

As soon as he left, not five minutes, the state trooper shows up, and 2 minutes after that, the wrecker...

It took awhile to get that car out, and I was to file a police report within thirty days or my license would be suspended.

Finally, that big machine got my car out, and he towed it down the road a bit. When we got there, the wrecker turned to me and said "That'll be $145". I did not have that cash on me, and asked if he would take a credit or debit card. He couldn't do that, nor would he bill me. The Wrecker was an asshole.

I called him and told him to bring money, otherwise i couldn't get my car back until the next day. He did, paying the asshole.

There was damage to the car...dented back fender with a branch sticking out of it, dented door, broken taillight...the wrecker said it looked at about $4,000 worth...

When all was gone, he told me to follow him, and led me to andalusia, where we ended up in a Taco Bell parking lot. It was my fourth day of not eating, and I wasn't hungry. So i refused when he offered me food.

This is where I broke down...and I'm not talking about the car...I told him that it was him who had to let me go, because i simply couldn't. I loved him too much I tried to follow the 'If you lose something set it free..." cliche, but that wasn't working. I tried to give him my ultimatum, but that wasn't working either, because I reelised that i had no right in trying to control his decisions.

he couldn't let me go.

We drove to a secluded area to say our goodbye. It was along goodbye. A hard one. He got out of his car and hugged me, since this was the only place where we could display our affection.

He got in my car...It was his turn to shed tears. I wanted to take care of him. i wanted to let him know I would be there for him every step of the way, but i also wanted him to make his own desicion, since i had been pressuring him for the last few months, and whatever decision he made, i would still love him, regardless.

He wept...tears on my favorite new Echo shirt. "I'm never washing this shirt again", I whispered in his ear. the tears - his smell - i didn't want to lose those memories, since i could only hold on to so much...

A fter the long goodbye, i drove back the four hours I came. The first time my eyes ever got heavy while driving...Orange cones were starting to look like the psychedellic witches embedded in asphalt.

Finally got home, and slept for a few hours before having to return the damaged car...something i didn't want to do, but of course, didn't have a choice. I also had to call in to work, because i would have never gotten the car back in time.

I turned in the car where they made the report and told me i would be contacted about the damages. On my way home, Daphne called and we spoke for a bit. She brought it to my attention that what i was doing was stalking, and to call before ever attempting to show up at her house again.

in this conversation, i had an epiphany...realisiing that I could never take him away from his family, no matter what i did. No matter what ultimatum i put out there, no matter how desperate. They needed him. So did I, but i was not going to compete

that night, i smoked a joint and stared at the police report. this is when it hit me - "What the fuck did I do?" I also realised that it could have been so much worse, like that i could have landed in a different bank with bigger trees that could have killed me...or that my windows could have broke...or the airbags deployed...

2 days later - 4:00 a.m. - New year's morning, he showed up at my apartment. I had to work a double shift at my job the next day...but if i had to be up all night to be with him, I 'd risk the miserable feeling of the next day. Went to bed at 7:00 a.m. Woke up at 10 a.m - well, hardly woke up since i hardly slept.. But I didn't care, he was here, and I was happy. My day was going by good...

I spent my hour break with him, and he took me back to work. he came by a few hours later to say goodbye.

I went back into work - my world, once again, crushed.

it was then i realised i didn't give a fuck where I lived, as long as I lived with him...and if that meant living in small town - fuck it - this city boy would adjust. I was at that point of giving up everything for love...and as jonatha Brooke wrote - "if you'd do it anyway, why would you do it for love?"...okay, i'm not exactly where that relates, but it's from a song about leaving your world behind for someone you love...

i had left my world behind for others, but that was out of obligation...not love. this was different. the only important thing for me now was to be with him.

As for the car: $1,422 worth damage...compared to $27, I'm still slightly kicking myself.


April 26, 2008

My beloved SAD
Current mood: thankful

Hi Baby,
Just a quick bit to say, "I love you!" It is sometimes hard to believe that the love of my life is still the love of my life. Thank you for all that you are and everything you do. I miss you terribly but thankful that you are getting the help needed...for the most part. You will be home soon.
So...I will get back to talking to you now because you're asking me what I am doing.

Love Tangent

June 22, 2007

So much expression
accented in your simple words
soothes my crazy mind.
I've been to your touch
and back again,
only to taste a memory
before it turns into a reality.
You've brought me to a new path –
Everytime I see a yellow car,
I think of you,
and I revel in the thought
that you've broken apart my patterns,
giving me new life
to the old one that I lost.
Your hand in mine
is the missing puzzle piece
and our connection is the bridge
rebuilt after burning so many.
You're on the other end
as I write this,
and I'm listening to the rustle -
Hearing you move,
makes me thrilled to be alive.
I never knew what love was
until I melted in you,
and for someone known for being so selfish,
I'm glad I'm sharing my life with you.
You are the last chapter-
The conclusion to my emotion-
An endless love.
You have healed my wounds
with all that you are,
and there's no such thing
better than you are for me.
You are my words that I write,
and I never want to stop writing –
All these built up thoughts
in this expanded heart.
I'm finally comfortable in silence
where I'd never thought I'd be,
and I'm the one lucky enough
to have you.
You are the only one
who's ever had the power
to bring out all of me.
I never had to fight,
but I've won.
I love that you carry me in your pocket
next to your heart,
just as I love that you fit on my pillow,
next to my head.
You are all I will ever need
in this lifetime,
and the many more to come.
I love you more than these words
Could ever express!!!

The Hold...

(I'm Gonna get Through this)

Smile when he comes to mind
and I'm fine when I know
that we'll be together in no time.
Through the missing,
I hold on tightly to his heart
and I carry it with me wherever I go.
And so I hold onto the appreciation
I will have for him
brought upon by the absence.
And I hold onto all the days
I had with him,
and hold onto the coming days
when I will wake up
looking into his
beautiful eyes
as he's looking at me.
I finally know how to love
and how to make it last.